Why does God make bumpy roads?

I kept trying to explain that God doesn't make roads, God inspires people to make them. Or other responses like this. But she continued, "Why does God make ........." and it finally occurred to me, that maybe she was right. Isn't God in all of us? Isn't God in everything? Maybe it is God who makes roads and toys and books and movies.

She continues to refer to God as "the maker of e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g." No, those aren't her words, but she always asks "Why did God make______ like this?"

It got me thinking about while I believe God is everywhere, I guess I don't actually believe it the way Sweet Darling does. She's just more universal about it. I have learned how people do hard work and make things. I don't want to think about God being in plastic, or even, gasp, giving God credit for my hard work.

But I have started to. I have started to look at everything, everything, as God. I have started thanking God for everything (everything), all day long. Thank you God for these bumpy roads, my car, traffic jams, long lines, the plastic wrapper that my junk mail came in today, the rubber band that the mail carrier uses everyday, the rottting carrots that got lost in the fridge, the cat's puke on the already stained rug, as well as for the more obvious, happier things (good friends, wonderful family, good food to eat, etc.) It has been helping me to feel less and less alone. I crave less and less alone time, because I see myself actually surrounded by God and God's blessings everywhere, all day long.

It does, after all, make sense to not feel a lone all the time. We are not alone, even if we are not with people. Even if you don't believe in "GOD the Almighty", we are still always covered in bacteria, surrounded by microbes, and energy. Perhaps seeing God in EVERYTHING is part of the key to feeling with God at all times.

How do you remember to feel connected to God?

listening to your inner voice = listening to your child

You know how sometimes you hear your inner voice directing you to do something that makes you a little uncomfortable, but you do it anyway? Sometimes, I think, it's the same with listening to the young people in our lives. Sometimes I let Sweet Darling make decisions for herself that most parents I know wouldn't. For instance, I rarely make her wear shoes, unless we're going into a building that requires them. Maybe she is more connected to Mother Earth this way. Maybe she lives life better with her feet free and unbound in anyway. Maybe she loves they way the ground feels under her soft feet and between her toes. Maybe I'll never know. Maybe, I don't have to know. Susun Weed the herbalist rarely wears shoes. Not all people in this world wear shoes, and it's not just because they are poor.

Maybe listening to Sweet Darling in that same way that I listen to my inner wisdom is a little scary and uncomfortable, but maybe it's the smart thing to do. I am inspired by her to have a bigger life that is not dictated by the random rules of the society. I can trust her to make smart decisions for herself, and she learns this trust about herself as well. This is very inspiring.

Living my life, with my child.

I have been making many changes in my life lately. I have reintroduced exercising, praying, and meditating into my life on a daily basis. There is such a common belief amongst parents that they can't do anything when their kids are around. If they try to do anything "quiet or calm" then their kids crawl all over them. They can't shower when their kids are awake because they scream or don't leave them alone or whatever. They can't cook or garden or sew or whatever, because their kids will...............whatever, you fill in the blank.

But what if, we could?

I have been known to fall victim to this common idea also, but I have been pushing myself to move beyond it into reality. I have been wondering......
What if it wasn't all our kids' fault that our lives get put on hold?
What if, our lives don't get put on hold, but get transformed?
What if we change the way we think about parenting and who we are and who these young people are in our lives now and forevermore?

So I have started doing yoga and pilates with my daughter, who is 3 and not interested AT.ALL. in yoga or pilates. Yes, she pulls me, yes, she climbs on me, yes she lays under me. So what? I think about all these books and support systems out there about connecting to our babies -- breastfeeding them, wearing them (to have them be there right with us, when we live life), bed-sharing or co-sleeping, massaging them and just generally adoring them as much as we can. (Tangent coming up here) I remember reading Pee Wee Pilates right after having my daughter and I loved it, because it lovingly talked about the balance between nurturing ourselves and nurturing our babies. It lovingly talked about loving our bodies and taking time to take care of ourselves. It lovingly gave ideas about how to do pilates with your baby on you and next to you. So many of the other post-partum pilates books were all written in a subtly harsh tone, disguised as 'pep', about women hating their bodies and getting them back in shape as quickly as possible, and doing it alone, because mom's deserve alone time. I don't deny that we deserve alone time, I just didn't like the internalized- self-hatred-of-one's-bodies and the death-grip-approach-to-keeping-the-"old-you"-alive-and-active tone of the other books. Okay, the internalized-sexism rant ends here.

My original idea here is that we, in the attachment parenting community, are supported in lavishing attention on our babies, but as soon as they turn 2, there is still such a conventional put-your-kids-in-their-place idea still overshadowing everything, just without the spanking or intentional yelling. Why not embrace all of our children's stages? Embrace them being 2 or 3 or whatever age they are? Why not embrace them, and live our lives with them?

So yes, I now take time every day to do pilates or yoga, prayers and meditation and this is still, slow, "quiet" time for me. (For me, "quiet time" refers to quieting my mind, not my daughter).
Yes, she is there, living her life with me. Yes, we look like we have different agendas (me wanting to do still-quiet-peaceful-awakening-practices, and she wants to play with me). However, I believe that we actually have the same agenda here: to connect. To connect to our spirits, to connect to each other, to connect with God.

I think that kids easily always stay connected to God, if allowed to by the adults in their lives, and eventually because of various reasons, we learn to disconnect. Sweet Darling talks about God all day long, "Thank you God for this dolly. Why did God make the roads bumpy? Why did God make scary movies?" I want to write about this more, but I'll save that for another post. The point is, she is still in reality, loving God and all people easily most of the time. She easily makes new friends and calls strangers friends. She has her uneasy feelings too, of feeling shy or scared or unsure, but she voices these feelings, sometimes cries or screams to push them out of her, and then moves on with living life.

Why do I want to do these practices with her? Because I live my life with my daughter. Because I don't want to keep my life and my beliefs and my practices a secret from her. Because I want to show her who I am. Because I want to share what is important to me with her. Because I want to learn from her. Maybe she can shed some light onto my practices.

Last week, I was doing prayers, and she was really acting silly and pulling on me and talking lots of silliness and laughing and running around me and I got really, really annoyed. I said something to her to make her stop, and now that I am reflecting on this, to "put her in her place", so that I could focus (not something that I technically believe in doing, but something that happens from time to time). But after contemplating this, I realized that I get really serious when praying. I get really heavy and serious and tight and.....weird and isolated, when approaching God. I grew up in a highly religious household that happened to have a lot of various kinds of abuse going on. I have learned how to forgive the past and how to establish a new relationship with God and with life and how to make loving God and myself and people my choice. But I still fear God like a little child afraid of one's parent who is sometimes loving, and sometimes confusingly cruel. I can see now that my parents lacked support and understanding and they did they best they could. But I still have residue left with my ideas of God. What if I pray wrong, or I don't repent appropriately or I am not focused or whatever, and God decides to punish me? I consciously have been shifting these ideas to believe in a loving God, but still, when I pray, I get s.e.r.i.o.u.s.

Maybe my loving daughter, the one who wants to play while I pray, is not trying to annoy me, but trying to get me to lighten up, to love God and remember God with a smile and a laugh and with every action I take? What if she plays they way she does with me when I am practicing my faith through prayer, meditation or body awareness exercises, because she loves me and God? Because she knows how to connect effortlessly and often? What if she is trying to remind me that in order to stay connected to God, that means I get to stay connected to her and myself and other people as well? What if she is trying to show me that connecting to God and life and love is easier and more joyful than I realize? Does it make sense to hurt my daughter's feelings, to stop her from connecting and to push her away while I am trying to better myself through some sort of spiritual practice? No. It doesn't.

I am no angel, and this is not easy for me. But I have faith that in continuing to try to live my life fully, openly and lovingly with my Sweet Darling, that my life, will continue to improve and that I will have an easier time staying connected. It's a practice worth doing daily.

What do I mean by all of this?

I haven't been writing here in a while. I guess I got busy with other things, I got nervous about putting my voice out there and I've had some issues with my computer ever since a huge thunderstorm. But here I am, back at it, and re-inspired.

What do I mean by parenting as a meditation? I was just throwing some new fabric into the washer to make Sweet Darling a couple super hero capes and I started thinking about this blog. What do I even mean by meditation? Well, meditation is a time to be quiet, to be relaxed, to be focused, to listen to inner wisdom, to listen to the Divine. It's a time that one chooses to take for oneself, on purpose, and with purpose. When people devote themselves to meditating, they aim to do it daily (or at least regularly). There are all types of meditations and all kinds of people doing it. People meditate to quiet their thoughts, to remember who they are and to collect themselves. To connect to God or the collective consciousness or to some other sort of spiritual feeling. To remember truth. To listen. To improve the quality of their lives. To deepen their understanding of life and how to live it. Well, these ideas are among my reasons for parenting and how to parent.

I think children have a way to help us connect to the spirit world. They are so close to the spirit world. They come to us knowing how to connect and wanting to stay connected. We, as adults, have learned how to disconnect from each other, from spirit, from God, from ourselves, from just being. We learn this, by watching the adults in our lives and the world around us. It's no one's fault, it just seems to be what has been happening for some time.

Well, meditating is a way to bring us back to present, to now, to truth. Parenting can do just the same thing if we let it. Staying present while our mind wants to run in a million directions isn't easy and there are so many techniques for quiet meditation to help improve this calming of the mind. But what about parents? Quiet? Well, I don't strive for a quiet home, I believe in making noise and in allowing children to make noise. But I do like to quiet to old thoughts, the reactionary thoughts, that want to jump out of my mouth (and sometimes do), to tell Sweet Darling about how to live, how to think, what to do, when to do things, how to change herself to be more liked by the general public, how to express herself, when to express herself, etc... I just tell my mind to quiet. What if we don't have to make every moment and "teaching moment"? What if we believe that our children are learning no-matter-what, and we simply allow that? Or even, what if we believe our children are complete human beings, with something to add, to teach us, to show us, how to just be? What if we allow ourselves to learn from them about how to stay more present and centered and connected?

I find that many parents want alone time to think and meditate and be quiet. What if alone time isn't necessary? What if we can find this in the day to day, with our children? What if we can use time with our children to be relaxed, focused, attentive, open, receptive, connected and peaceful? What if we can find peace during really active, connected, loud, play? What if we push our kids away less, and learn to really just be, with them? What if we allow time with our children to transform us and better our lives, just like we aim to get from meditation? I think that if we keep quieting our minds, opening our hearts, and staying in the now, then time with children can improve our lives in more ways than we could ever imagine.

I want to be with you because I love you!

Of course, right? I say this to my daughter when she asks me why am I with her. (Why she asks is because she sees and hears about so many kids being alone or without their parents)

And now she follows me around saying this to me. We turn it into a song as well, "I love you and so I want to be with you". The tune and exact lyrics seem to change from day to day, but the idea is there.

I have had the tendency in my past to be quite independent, not wanting intruders in my life uninvited. I would feel bogged down, or annoyed to have someone follow me around just to be with me. I would feel watched, judged or like I was supposed to entertain. I admit, some of these feelings have come up for me as a parent, but then, I remember, my goals of connection, togetherness, and being present.

I intend to stay present, and therefore connected to God at all times. I think it makes sense to do my best to stay connected to God's creatures as well. I think it makes sense to say close to other humans, "just because".

I also believe that many of us are urged to become independent from quite an early age. It's very respected to have a baby and/or toddler that doesn't cry, doesn't ask for much, and is content to play by him or herself. Most people train their babies and young children to be okay being on their own, to sleep alone, play alone, sooth themselves when they get hurt or upset. I think this is a wasted opportunity for closeness and for getting to really know each other. I have consciously decided to stay close to her and to use having a child as an opportunity to figure out closeness in general with other people, animals and God.

God (or the Universe, or however you think of this Great Presence) is always with us because God loves us. Period. No other reason. Why not do our best to mimic this and not try to figure out how to be alone so often. Why not just be near someone because we can? I choose to keep trying this and see what happens. I choose to know that I am loved and that I am loving, just because I am. My daughter helps me to remember this.

Choosing To Play

I believe in adults playing with children. All children, of all ages, get more out of life if their parents, other family members, friends and/or caretakers play with them. Children depend on adults to take care of their needs. Food, water, shelter, clothes and, in my opinion, play. Children use play to figure out life. And what better way to connect with your kid, than through play?

Now, when I was in childcare, this was easy peasy for me. I got paid, primarily, to play with kids one on one, sometimes 2 on one. Yes, I fed them and cleaned up after them, but mostly, we played. I was always good at child led playing too. I let them make up the rules of the games as we went. I let them lead the way to the playground, in which a 10 minute brisk walk turned into an hour and half of leisurely exploration, before playing at the playground. (I may get this from my mom, who turned every walk to the grocery store, bank or post office into and "adventure".) I happily played hide-and-seek for well over an hour, and could follow anyone's lead in any sort of animal or doll game that involved capturing and setting free over and over and over again. I was good at getting kids to laugh and laugh and I too had fun with them.

Then, I became a parent. And then, it all changed. I had so many responsibilities other than play, and I was no longer being paid by the hour to play. When my daughter was a baby, it was much easier to decide to play with her, as excitement was high about being new parents and neither Delightful Husband nor I cared much about keeping the house in tip top shape. But as Sweet Darling grew, and her idea of fun changed, and the new parent excitement started to wane, and the house started to need more attention, well, it was harder to just decide to play. A lot of people told me I should enroll in classes together, and get childcare, and sign up for as many things as I could to help pass the time and to help entertain my daughter. This was not the answer I was looking for. Not only could we not afford any of it, as I chose to be a stay at home mom, but also, my goal as a parent was not to simply keep my daughter entertained.

I also got lots of advice about leaving the house in order to focus on play, and not the house, which was useful, and we did (and still do), but Sweet Darling was looking for me to play with her in our house too.

A friend, who had older children, told me that what she does is use a kitchen timer. She sets it for a certain time and that is the time that she plays with her kids. Sounded great, so I gave it a try. It worked wonderfully! I knew there was an ending to the play, and therefore I could get into playing and enjoying myself with Sweet Darling. She had my loving attention and we started really enjoying each other. But sure enough, after I started doing house cleaning, or bills, or whatever I had to do, she was start to pull at me and want to go back to playing. I was torn. I wanted to play her all day long, but the house needed cleaning, food needed cooking and bills needed to be paid. Not to mention I love to sew and crochet and knit and needlefelt. How is a mother suppose to fit it all into a day? Well, I figured I could make the timer work for us. So I decided to set the timer for 20 or 30 minutes to play with Sweet Darling. Then I set it for 20 or 30 minutes for us to do housework together. Okay, maybe I set it for 30 or 40 minutes to do housework. I kept going back and forth all morning so we each knew that we would get a turn to do what we wanted to do (or you know, at least had to do--I don't think of housework as play for me). I just love when I figure out a parenting success! I use the timer like this on days that I remember to, and it's those days that always seem to be much more fun and smooth. And on days I forget, she reminds me, "Can you set the timer?" Having this tool, makes it much easier for me to choose to play with Sweet Darling.

Sweet Darling

I had called my daughter Sweet Pea from the time she was born. Even before we had officially named her. But recently she asked me "why do you call me sweet pea?" "I don't know exactly." I replied. And as I tried to come up with a better answer, she said, "Call me, Sweet Darling". And so, I do. Shouldn't she get to choose her nickname? I think so.

Finally started a blog

I have been parenting now for over three years. I have been encouraged by several friends to start a blog, but I never quite made the decision to do it, until now, somewhat on a whim.

I read only a few parenting books, as I really do believe we are our own experts in parenting. Connecting with my daughter, throughout the day has been my biggest goal. I am a big believer in closeness and listening and play with my daughter. I loved the book Hold On to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate. And Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen, PhD. I also love the online journal Our Children, Ourselves, by Pamela Haines, and the online parenting resource Hand in Hand Parenting.

My daughter is only three, but I do plan on homeschooling her, to be able to make the most out of our time together during her childhood years. Our days are spent playing, listening, working and growing. In essence, we teach each other, and learn together how to make the most out of life.